peaceful chaos

we’ve all heard the phrase ‘keeping the peace’ and ‘protecting your peace,’ but here’s a crazy idea… what if the peace we are keeping is actually just a disguised chaos?

there is a theorist… yeah, I know I’m bringing theorists into the blog. anyway… his name is erving goffman, who introduced the concept of ‘face-work,’ which largely focuses on preserving and protecting ‘face’. it’s where, in every social interaction, we are trying to maintain a ‘face,’ otherwise known as a social value to present to others. so if you ever hear the phrase ‘saving face,’ yeah, that’s where it comes from.

to build on this further, we can bring in something I learnt about in my english language a-level. there is an even more interesting theorist, giles, who spoke about how our social identity and how it is constantly being negotiated through how much we choose to converge (match others) or diverge (stand our ground).

let’s break it down a bit more…the concept largely shows two convergence routes:

• upward convergence: to gain approval, show respect, or appear more professional.
• downward convergence: to reduce the social gap, build rapport, or make the other person feel more comfortable.

people who would note themselves as people-pleasers would be known to converge (either upward or downward) to accommodate others’ needs rather than their own, while people who choose not to converge could be seen as confrontational, highlighting the distance between their perspective and your own.

largely, I think that giles believed we use convergence to seek social approval and find ourselves conforming to a version of ourselves that isn’t authentic based off what we expect people to like so… why do we do it?.

well, there is some science behind it. from a biological standpoint, there’s something called the ‘amygdala hijack’. this is something where the part of our brain that handles emotions bypasses the logic part of the brain, which triggers a fight, flight, or freeze response, goes into a fritz. that fritz? it triggers stress and adrenaline, so your brain literally reacts to the situation as a threat…similar to how I react to spiders…

so let’s bring it back to the ‘keep my peace’ phrase. we all know it; we all know someone who’s hidden behind it or decided to run away from a conversation in the facade that they don’t want the drama, but it’s funny because the reality is that it’s something called ‘relationship self-silencing’ and you want to know what’s funny? a study found that individuals who habitually avoid confrontation (to please others) experience significantly higher levels of clinical depression and physical health issues… so how do I put this simply…it’s no bueno for you as much as it’s no bueno for the other person.

funnily enough, this links to the post I wrote about cognitive dissonance. acting in a ‘keep my peace’ way can actually cause cognitive dissonance, which means part of you is saying ‘I am upset/bothered’ and the other part is saying ‘everything is fine’. what can that cause? your mental battery drains and literally can emotionally drain you while you sleep… disgusting fact, that.

so there’s more than one point that shows us confrontation isn’t only shit for the person we are avoiding (be it ourselves on anyone else) but it’s also bad for our brain…so I guess my question is this: who is actually benefitting avoiding confrontation?

we spend so much of our lives speaking and connecting with others and it takes energy because, whether you know it or realise it, you are using cognitive, physical, or just emotional energy to connect with people, and the funny thing is we don’t have an endless supply of it.

when we find ourselves in situations that require confrontation, we choose to dance around it and even avoid it to avoid a couple or maybe 20-30 minute wave of discomfort that would be more beneficial to us. the silence you are enjoying from avoiding that conversation? it’s more like silent chaos that will sit and bubble because it doesn’t stay put; it festers, and we all know nothing good happens when something is left to fester…

confrontation doesn’t need to be a big performance or a big blow-up; sometimes, confrontation can be self-reflection and acceptance. maybe, just maybe, your peace doesn’t have to come at the cost of your own authenticity or at the cost of others’ peace.

the next time you feel that build-up of pressure and the atmosphere starts to heat up, maybe you don’t just tighten the lid. maybe we learn to lean into curiosity and ask ourselves what’s actually steaming, and if maybe, just maybe, ask ourselves if it’s time to let some of that steam out.

after all, the house feels much more like a home when you aren’t pretending the pipes aren’t screaming.