peaceful chaos

I’ll out myself further as these posts go along and at this point I’m not completely sure if hiding my age is doing any benefit to the posts I am sharing. so here it is..

I’m in my mid twenties! get the party poppers if you already figured it out and to the people who maybe know me, nothing new. so shall we continue?

throughout our lives we will meet and interact with thousands of people if not more (if you consider brief encounters outside of acquaintances) and I mean, is that not marginally insane when you think about it?

we all know, and maybe even all have friends we met when we were younger, in school or from people that our parents know and I mean it’s a really interesting when you look around at these people as to how they have stayed in touch.

I know people who have been friends for over 40 years, some only known each other a few years and the level of friendship and intimacy can be close together or distantly far apart.

so what makes a friendship functional?…

I’d argue there isn’t a direct science behind one person being friends with another, and hey you may disagree but hear me out… have you heard of people being friends with someone because either A) they are a mirror of who you are, or B) they a mirror of who you want to be? put simply, could it be as easy as choosing to be friends with someone you either admire for your differences (or other reasons of course) or do you value similarity more?

there are so many different aspects and factors in a friendship that are important to each of us and without knowing I think we probably have a mental checklist. so, here’s an interesting thought, is finding a friend any different than finding your romantic partner?

I’ll take a point I made in my post about dating. I think it’s silly to assume we don’t go into interactions without a note of what we think is good and bad or right and wrong and therefore a checklist of characteristics we want in our friendships, I mean why wouldn’t we?

when we make a friend we want to share the most authentic version of ourselves because if we didn’t? the person wouldn’t like us for who we really are. in return, we expect the same. if you don’t know who you are and what you value, going into any connection could be more challenging than we thought.

we’ve all said, ‘we should grab a coffee sometime,’ to someone we know, knowing full well we never want to see that person again. but is that wrong? because if you know instinctively that person doesn’t align with your values and views at least somewhat, would you have much in common? but another thought for you, is having a lot in common important in a friendship?

my personal markers for connection feel both simple and vague, so I won’t bore you with the details. and while I think there could be a simple formula I don’t think you could apply it to everyone. so therefore is it a question about finding something that works for everyone or is it finding what works for you?

I am a firm believer that there is never harm (from my experience) in learning more about yourself because when you know more you can improve in so many areas.

here’s some examples:

• if you know what makes you happy, you can get yourself out of ruts. 
• if you know what upsets you, you can draw boundaries to protect yourself. 
• if you know what food makes you feel good, you can eat for energy and not fatigue. 
• if you know what movement your body likes, you can enjoy exercise more than you used to.

knowing yourself can become a super power…but maybe we don’t always need to be rigid the facts of who we are and what we want?

there’s also an argument my friend mentioned to me once. can you have high expectations of people you meet if you don’t hold yourself to those same standards and as much as I hate to say it…I think he had a point…

becoming the friend you want to have I think is a nice, balanced and interesting way to look at it because it makes sense to me. if you wanted to find an active friend to hang out with and go to the gym or on runs with, would they want to invest their time in/with you if you didn’t show that investment in yourself?

putting yourself into the shoes of the people you want to be friends with can be a good start and finding those people can then lead to be a lot easier, at least in my experience. if you want active friends, a run club might be a good place. creative friends, maybe try an art club or group event and if you like writing and coffee, go write in a cafe like I do on the regular! 

things will only come to you naturally if you give them an opportunity to and you could argue that nothing good comes free, but I’d argue connection is. it never hurts to be kind and it costs us nothing, put yourself out there and see what comes.

to end on a seemingly unintentional trend. you will always be able to meet people and talk to people without forming connections, but can you really know another person as a friend (or even more) if you don’t know yourself? what kind of foundation will you have without it? and how the hell will you build on it? (sprinkles and all)!