peaceful chaos

there is no lack of motivational posts on Instagram, or friends of friends you follow showing off the highlights of their life, to get you in the mindset of needing to change your life; and funnily enough, whether it works or not is completely dependent on the part of your brain it actually calls to.

it operates in two different models: the friction and the vision. We will only really choose to change once the pain of staying the same finally exceeds the pain of the change itself.

my brain, for example, calls to a quote that resonates personally, which goes: “Whatever you aren’t changing, you are choosing.” And while I think that, yes, it is an intense view, it can largely be considered to hold a realm of truth.

now, before you jump to the comments to agree or disagree, I plead that you hear my case. I am not ignorant to the fact there are aspects of your life that will not be so simply fixed or changed. Various tangible aspects can influence the readiness to adapt to the change you seek, but I do believe there are emotional headspaces and specific areas of life that could greatly be changed by making that choice to change.

the logic behind this reasoning comes in many parts. If you look at the physics of the statement, there is a degree of literal reality. The reality is that the discomfort of the situation is still less than the reality of the discomfort needed to change.

we as humans are creatures of habit and nature. In other words, we like what we know, even if we are not consciously aware of adhering to that. There is a phrase I’ve seen that you can apply to it, which goes: “a known hell over unknown heaven.”

this could be applied to specific situations as to why people can fall into a toxic spiral with friendships or relationships. We go through the same motions with a known pain rather than risk the unknown (and in our thought process) potentially worse pain, instead of thinking about the positives and really healthy plethora of gain we could be in store for. It’s almost like our default is to be pessimistic in the face of potential change.

therefore, coming back to my earlier quotation, I think to a degree it can miss its mark in acknowledging that there is a risk and reward element to people changing.

if someone is earning the money they need in a job they don’t like, the main factor that would come from it is the fact they are still earning the money. The risk and reward argument favors the risk more than the reward; they don’t know what the new job will be like or if it will be any better, and they might not believe they can earn more with what they feel they bring into the field. It’s a classic example.

if you are someone scared to be alone, being in a toxic, unhealthy relationship will always feel like the lesser of two evils: the first being staying but having someone, and the second being to leave a negative situation but choosing to be alone and value your own peace over your fear of being alone. “It doesn’t matter who I have; it’s the fact that I have someone that matters.”

don’t get me wrong, it will greatly depend on what you believe is more important: emotional security or being with someone. The same can be applied to the job example. If money is enough of the incentive, then of course it would be considered worth the risk in that instance. If you value your peace over material things and that boundary is secure, then you will never see the value in prioritizing something else over that point.

my sibling, in a time of emotional turmoil, told me about a coping mechanism she used where sometimes, if she woke up in “one of those moods” where she couldn’t really tell what was wrong or what feeling had left her feeling like she did, she would simply decide to not allow that feeling to rule her. Now, I know for anyone struggling with large emotional or mental issues that this perspective will seem like a bunch of bullshit, but it’s an interesting one.

there is some reasoning behind this and it comes in two parts: emotional regulation and stoic resilience. It plays into wanting to regain control of ourselves and become a master of self, also enabling us to feel that sense of direction that minimizes the distance between the stimulus (even if unknown) and our response.

another saying that could be used, but is more situationally specific, is the ideal that “I can’t control the storm, but I can adjust my sails”—the mentality that removes the power and narrative from being “a victim of my circumstance” to an “owner of my narrative.” This is something that I believe largely helps the situation; we don’t have to understand the how or the why something happened to us, but instead focus our efforts on the things within our control.

how would I conclude? that it will always depend on what you prioritize, whether that be peace and familiarity in the known, or the excitement/ fear of the reality you know you want in the unknown.

what I do know for a fact is that, for me? I fear the reality of staying the same and growing stagnant more than I fear discomfort. I want nothing more than to grow, be it in known hells or unknown heavens. I think change is beautiful, even when I’m not ready for it or if it overwhelms me, and ultimately I believe that…

Change is inevitable.